Dear Ms. Witty,
I have a boyfriend of almost four years who’s somewhat abusive sometimes, and I always feel like it’s my fault and I always feel like any kind of problems we have is my fault.
Signed My Fault,
Honey, I don’t want to begin to answer this question by calling you by the name My Fault.
Child of God,
Abuse is abuse. It is never somewhat. If you’re in a relationship with somebody who’s abusive and you are telling yourself that God told you it was alright to be with him honey that was not God. You need to recognize that God would never tell you to enter into an abusive relationship. We convince ourselves that we have heard from God but you really want to believe that God is in agreement with this relationship. NOT. I would strongly urge you to get out of that relationship, or at least put a hold on that relationship until you both can get some godly counseling and you both can learn how to have a relationship that is not co-dependent and is not manipulative. It sounds like he manipulates you with your feelings to get you to think that when he mistreats you that somehow it’s because of something you did. And then you’re bogged down with guilt and you’re sticking with him because you feel guilty. Stop feeling guilty. This is not how you should be loved. Get out of that relationship and tell him, “Look, you need to get some counseling.” If you’re thinking about marriage, what he is doing to you now will just magnify. Hurt people hurt other people and controlling people need to feel they are in control by dominating the weaker person. People that tolerate abuse also need help so that they can get to the root of the problem that makes them think this is acceptable.
We live in such an addictive society where we feel we need people to be who we are. Don’t be co-dependent on somebody that makes you feel like you are worth nothing. Your worth is in God and He thinks very highly of you. Stop letting guys take advantage of you and abuse you. It’s better to live on your own than with someone who mistreats you. We need to get free from people bondage by turning to God and letting Him be our one and only source for true happiness.
He is a constant help in a time of trouble. He will make a way of escape for you if you need Him to. Don’t allow other people to devalue you. Remember you are valuable and you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.
You are not a failure in relationships. Be strong and you will make it. God said He will never leave you nor forsake you.